In Loving Memory

We had her there, resting on the palm of our hand for a while.
She was all we ever wanted.
Sometimes her wings were closed.
Motionless.

At other times, she spread her wings open in the bright sunshine,
Displaying her colorful patterns.
We truly loved her.
She knew that.

We told her she was special and beautiful, we saw the beauty.
We appreciated her true colors.
But we couldn't keep her.
We knew that.

She was born to fly.

She had been beautiful in our hand, but in flight she soared.
In the garden amongst the colorful, sweet-fragranced flowers.
Her habitat.
Free.

In letting her go, we made her happy.
But she was always to remember our warmth and our love.
Always and forever.
For all of eternity.

Happy Birthday Siarra

Today would have been Siarra's 21st birthday.

I miss her!

Happy Birthday sweetheart!

Update

Hi friends. Yes, I am still alive! Things are very busy here and I can't believe that May is almost over!

Alyssa is doing extremely well but getting very antsy for school to be over. Last night she asked me if she could skip school today. She wouldn't watch TV, just lay in bed and rest.

I told her no. Imagine that. Then I had to explain why I told her no. Do you know how hard it is to explain a good work ethic to a 9 year old? I think she finally got it!

I am asking for prayers for my friend that is going through some health issues. Please send some prayers up that her news will be good.

I will try to keep up on my reading, but I have spring fever and have not been spending much time indoors.

My thoughts are with you all.

Adoption Day

Today is the 2nd anniversary of our adoption being finalized!

Yesterday was Mother's Day.

I know, it's alot lumped together, but we have tried to acknowledge the days and still keep them low key. Our biggest celebration is held in October, when we celebrate our "Gotcha" day. Today we will not do anything really special, other than have DQ ICECREAM CAKE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It was a unanimous vote! We are all ice cream junkies!

Oh, and my mood is improving - my bathroom is almost finished!!!!!!!!!

Woo Hoo!!!

Katharine Leslie

Katharine Leslie is going to be doing a webinar. May 18th. 10 AM to 11:30 AM CST. $30.00 Grab all your fellow Radical mom's, invite them over for tea and split the cost. Continuing education credits will be issued if you need/want them. Dr. Leslie presents at Attach every year and gets rave reviews. Also a parent to radicals which gives her big stars in my book. ;-) She doesn't just "get it", she lives it.

Parenting from the Trenches
Do you have a child who lies, steals, sneaks, stalks, hordes, chatters non-stop, or urinates in places other than the potty, etc? In this webinar Dr. Leslie will teach you essential, sensible, safe and effective solutions to your child's behavior problems that can also increase positive behaviors in your child, create an attachment friendly environment, simplify daily life, reduce family conflict, and even get some of your parental needs met. Dr. Leslie will weave lecture material around questions from the audience.

AGENDA
This is a 90 minute Webinar

Quick overview of attachment and brain facts

What children are supposed to give to the parent-child relationship

What do you really want from your child?

Preventing negative behaviors

Rehearsing positive behaviors

Punishment vs consequences: What's good for you?

Click here to sign up: https://www.meds-pdn.com/continuing_education.php?seminar_id=2442">Parenting in the Trenches

I'm in Hell

My bathroom is still not finished!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

My house is a mess and I am losing my mind!

Alyssa is feeling the stress and her behavior is - well - let's just say - trying.

Swine flu has arrived in my town.

The economy has struck close to home - again.

Please remember our nuthouse in your prayers!!!

Already?

Alyssa came home from school yesterday and informed me that a boy in her class asked her to go to the dance with him!

She is 9 and in the 4th grade!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jeff cracked me up. He got real pale and said "Already?"

HE HE HE!!!

My Response

To all my devoted readers...

NA NA NA BOO BOO - YOU CAN'T HAVE HIM!!!

Just a response to my comments. Uncle Bruce is mine, and I am not giving him away nor am I borrowing him out! He's mine! All mine!!!

I truly am soooooooooooo sorry that you don't have your own personal "Uncle Bruce", but I am NOT sharing!

Bye, Bye old Tub!

We are busy, busy, busy! And to top it off, living in the midst of chaos. I know, what's new right? Well, this chaos is self inflicted!

We have a lovely cape cod home. We bought the house 10 years ago and have been slowly remodeling. I have wanted to remodel the bathroom for a long time. The problem is that we only have one bathroom! Well, we decided to take advantage of the long Easter weekend and start the remodel. The wonderful, amazing Uncle Bruce came over bright and early Friday morning and began swinging the sledge hammer at the old, HEAVY, cast iron tub. Thursday night, we tore off old molding, pulled down the old shower surround, and emptied everything out of the bathroom. So, back to Friday. Bruce had the old tub out in one hour!!! We then tore all the old dry wall out from around the tub. By the time Jeff got home from work at noon, Bruce was already working on the plumbing. By the end of the day on Friday, the new tub was installed and the plumbing was all in place! Saturday, the new dry wall went in and the shower surround was being installed. Sunday, the rest of the surround was installed and the caulking got done. Monday, Bruce had to stop over after work to replace the drain pipe that was leaking! Even after breaks for church, dinner, and the Easter Bunny, we have a working shower again! Yea!!!

We now need to replace the remainder of the dry wall in the bathroom and reinstall the vanity, prime, paint, and we are done! We are hoping to have it all complete by this weekend. I am repainting the bathroom cabinet and some of the accessories, so I have a lot of work to do!

So that is a summary of our chaos. Now, for some AWESOME news. Alyssa has been awarded "Student of the Month". The defining character trait this month was perseverance. We know how hard Alyssa works but having others recognize the fact that she doesn't give up is just priceless!!!

Also, more great news! Those of you that have been around awhile know that Alyssa has been lucky to have the most awesome, wonderful teacher, Mrs. M, for the past three years. Well, there has been a lot of realignment in the district for next year and YES, you guessed it, Mrs. M has been moved to 5th grade next year and Alyssa will be in her class!!! Someone is definitely looking out for us!!! Alyssa has been so successful in school and I have every confidence that the success will continue!

Update on the job search........... No change!!! There are so many BIG companies in our town closing that the unemployment rate in this city is almost 13%. We had a big manufacturing influence and the economy has hit hard! I applied for a job yesterday that had just been posted online 4 hours earlier. I received an email thanking me for my application, but there had been so many responses that applications were no longer being accepted! 4 hours people!!!

So, I'm off to work on the bathroom. We don't have a sink in there yet, but we can shower and use the toilet, I can deal!

I will try to check in when I can. In the meantime, you are all in my thoughts!

Progress

I am a proud Mom!

These last couple of weeks have been different. I posted that we have seen a resurgence of control issues. While that is true, we have also seen a change in Alyssa's overall behavior. We are starting to be "in tune" with each other. I remember having that kind of connection with my Mom, and I am now starting to have it with Alyssa! I can't describe how good that feels! We have been getting along better and Alyssa has been much more respectful!

Our home is calmer, more loving, and we are all working together! It is a wonderful feeling to see the security in my daughter's eyes! Change is possible, healing is possible. I know we will continue to have ups and downs, but I see a bright future ahead of us. My biggest wish for Alyssa has always been that she just be a normal kid. A child that knows she is loved no matter what, a child that is happy and feels secure. Alyssa is becoming that kid and it is the greatest feeling in the world!

Back to School

Spring break is over and we survived!

Actually, we did more than survive, we had fun!

Alyssa had a few rough moments, but overall, handled herself great! Our plans even got changed at the last minute and she handled the change in an appropriate manner and with the proper emotion.

Our biggest problem seems to be a resurgence of control issues. It is beginning to affect her friendships also. I have not been able to find a reason for her bossiness. It is as bad, if not worse than it was at the very beginning. I am definitely open to ideas.

So, I probably won't be posting much, I need to get caught up on my reading. My peeps have had a busy week!!!

A Welcome Break

Early release from school today and then a whole week off.

Last year I was dreading Spring Break but this year I am really looking forward to it!

What a difference a year makes, huh?

Alyssa is determined to do a lot of chores this weekend so that she has a lot of spending money for shopping next week. We are not doing anything really earth shattering, just some "girl" stuff. Shopping, lunch, shhhhhhhhhhhhhhh, a special spa day with Auntie.

I can't wait!

I probably won't have a chance to blog, but we will see. If I don't check in, please know that I will keep you all in my thoughts!

Spring Fever

It was 73 degrees here yesterday!

I spent the whole entire day outside and it was wonderful! Today is a return to reality with an expected high of 50. It's OK, I can handle 50, it sure beats the heck out of 10!

Alyssa has been doing really good. Her attitude has been awesome and she is really trying hard. She has been working hard to be respectful and it is paying off! Yay for me!

Next week is spring break. I have to say that Alyssa really needs it. Her enthusiasm for school is slipping and she really needs the break. We all have spring fever so the break is really needed!

Lemonade Award

I was awarded the Lemonade award from Brie! Visit her and say Hi! http://attaching.blogspot.com/

Here are the rules...

1. Copy the above logo and put it on blog or post.

2. Nominate at least 10 blogs that show attitude and/or gratitude (Those who add sweetness to life and/or inspire you by making lemonade.)

3. Be sure to link to your nominees within your post.

4. Let them know they have received this award by commenting on a post.

5. Nominate your favorites and link to this blog.

I would like to pass this award to the following:

Torina at http://busyintersection.blogspot.com

Accidental Mommy at http://takenlife.blogspot.com

Dia por Dia at http://ranchochico.blogspot.com

Kelly at http://nomoremoves.blogspot.com/

Tracey at http://myoncecalmlife.blogspot.com/

Ali at http://crawfordlifetimes.blogspot.com/

Each and every one of these blogs have inspired me and made me laugh!

Visit them and say Hi!

Too Funny to Not Share

I received this email and laughed so hard that tears were flowing! It hit very close to home and it was too funny to not share................ENJOY!!!


I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented 'You're definitely going to $h!t yourself' chili". Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat it, the next day both of your ***** cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No 'Watson's Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.

Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits.

Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me. Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go' pain that always seems to hit us at the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.

The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot. There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things 'clamped down', if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable 'Oh my God', floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, 'Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem.'

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!', then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Am I Old? Really???

I picked Alyssa up from school yesterday and we went to Wally World to pick up a few things. We are going through the check out and the lady at the register (who was in her 60's) called me Alyssa's GRANDMA!!!

Ok, I will admit that I am no spring chicken anymore, but people, I am 43 years old. Am I really old enough to have a 9 yr old GRAND DAUGHTER???????????????????????????????

I think NOT!!! By the way, I don't look 43! Those of you that know me IRL(in real life), will attest to the fact that most people think I am in my early 30's. I don't act like an old bag (shut up Tammy), I don't dress like an old bag, WHY WOULD YOU THINK I AM AN OLD BAG?????????

I tell you, I wanted to jump over the counter and bitch slap that woman!

Alyssa didn't hear the woman call me her Grandma. When I told her why my face was all red, she started giggling and said, "Well, maybe you should have had makeup on".

Jeff, of course was quick to point out that I am old enough to be a Grandma! That may be so, I do not deny it. I am old enough to be a Grandma. BUT I AM NOT OLD ENOUGH TO BE GRANDMA TO A NINE YEAR OLD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously people, if any of you have any connections to the folks at TLC's "10 Years Younger", you need to hook me up. I apparently really need the help!!!

I received an Award!

Lisa gave me an award! I definitely do not feel worthy, but will accept it with my heartfelt thanks!

The Dardos Award is given in "recognition of cultural, ethical, literary, and personal values transmitted in the form of creative and original writing. These stamps were created with the intention of promoting fraternization between bloggers, a way of showing affection and gratitude for work that adds value to the Web."


The rules:
1) Accept the award by posting it on your blog along with the name of the person that has granted the award and a link to his/her blog.
2) Pass the award to another five blogs that are worthy of this acknowledgment, remembering to contact each of them to let them know they have been selected for this award.

I am going to break the rules. I know, big shocker!

I am in awe of all the bloggers that I follow. Therefore, I am passing this award to all of my followers, and to all of the blogs that I follow! Each one of you have given me courage, strength, or just comic relief, and I think you all deserve it.

Thanks for all your well wishes. I applied for two different jobs today so keep your fingers crossed for me!

We have therapy with Paulette tonight. Yea! Alyssa is suddenly having control issues again. I will be glad to get her back on the right track again.

Busy Week

I can't believe a whole week has flown by. We haven't had any earth shattering events, just a lot of stuff going on. Alyssa has a lot of school stuff going on and has had a lot of demands on her time. I am very proud to say that she has been handling them very well!

She has had to get homework done and violin practice in and has jumped in and gotten it done with a great attitude. She hasn't blogged, but it is because she has been busy. I continue to hope that she will continue to blog as a release. I firmly believe that blogging is an awesome tool for her continued healing.

Alyssa has had a few moments of bad attitude, but she has used the tools that we gave her and has been able to switch things up and turn her attitude around. I am so proud of her determination!

I am going to school today to have lunch with Alyssa. I have never done this before, so I am looking forward to it!

Job hunting has hit a new low! Twice a week, I check the new job listings for anything that I am remotely qualified for. THERE HAS BEEN ZERO NEW LISTINGS FOR ALMOST TWO WEEKS!!! I must admit that I am starting to get a little worried. I know we will be OK with home bills and responsibilities. What worries me is that keeping and maintaining our summer vacation spot will become impossible. And let me tell you, WE LIVE UP NORTH IN THE SUMMER! We all love to be able to get away for the weekend and I don't want to lose that. So, if you all could just put a good word in with the man upstairs, I am confident that something will come my way.
The pictures are some shots of our labor day celebration up north. If you look close, you can see the lake and one picture has our boat in the background.

Weekend Get a way

We got the heck out of dodge for the weekend!

We planned a spur of the moment, inexpensive, weekend get a way. We went to see the Titanic exhibit at the Milwaukee Museum, and then spent the night at the Hilton, where they have an indoor water park. We got a fantastic package deal and we had a blast!

We decided to let Alyssa bring a friend along. We made the right decision. Both girls enjoyed the weekend, and Jeff and I were able to relax too. If Alyssa didn't have a friend along, we would not been able to just sit back and relax. We enjoyed watching the girls have fun!

Alyssa did awesome all weekend! Yea!!! When we got home yesterday, the neighbor kids were outside playing. Alyssa bundled up and out she went. She was outside for about 45 minutes when I heard the screaming and Alyssa came running in the house. She got hit in the face with an ice chunk! It was an accident, but wouldn't you think that the neighbor would at least walk over and see if Alyssa was ok? I would have gone to check! Any way, Alyssa has a cut on her eyelid, and on her nose. I was worried about her having a shiner, but this morning everything had faded.

She woke up this morning a little out of sorts. I had prepared myself for a rough morning because of the fun weekend, but I am happy to report that Alyssa pulled herself together, turned things around, and got off to school on time! She even has a cold and doesn't feel real great, and yet a pretty good morning!

Woo Hoo!!!

Another Good Day

Another good day! Alyssa was able to stay on task, and get back on track when she needed to.

Actually, she only had one rough patch. She was supposed to help Daddy with two chores. Necessary chores required for her to be able to attend a birthday party on Friday. She did the first chore with no complaints. When it came time to do the second, she decided that she was going to be in charge instead of Jeff. Jeff immediately put a stop to her control and said that she had a choice: either do it his way or don't do it at all. He then turned around and walked away. She complained and ranted that he wasn't being fair and yada yada yada. He then asked her what her choice was going to be. She chose to do the chore his way, and be his assistant instead of the leader!!!

Yea for Jeff!

Alyssa wanted to blog last night but between homework, required chores, and Ash Wednesday service at church, she didn't have time. I was just happy that she wanted to blog!!!

Our last therapy session with Paulette has definitely made changes here. Jeff has become more involved in day to day stuff, and Alyssa is once again working hard to be a family kid! As a result, I feel much more relaxed and calm. Win, win for all involved!

I am going to enjoy this new phase in our life. I am going to pray that it continues.....

A Plea for Help!

Yesterday was a good day!

We had no arguments. We had no sass. WE HAD NO DISRESPECT!!!

I made her write on her blog and she grumbled about it but did it anyway. She also thanked me for making her do it 'cause she said she felt better inside.

Yea Me!!!

All right, now I am calling all blogger experts............................

I have hyperlinked alot of stuff to my blog posts. I have selected a unique color for hyperlinks. However, my hyperlinks are not showing up unless you scroll over the hyperlinked item.

I am at my wits end! Do I have some setting not set correctly? I have tried everything that I know, and my hyperlinks are still not showing up. They work if you scroll over them and find them, people just don't know that they are there!!!

Demented and Weird

I am so grateful for Paulette(our therapist)!

She helped us to take a step back and really see what was going on. We discovered two things.

1) We have been giving Alyssa too much control. She doesn't feel safe. By giving her more freedom, we ended up taking away some of her security. So that one is an easy fix. We are taking away most of the control that we have given her. We are going to scale back and limit her choices to just a few things. Like, she can still choose what she wants to wear to school and how she fixes her hair, but Dad and I will schedule her time. She doesn't get to decide when to do homework, or practice her violin. She must follow OUR schedule. ETC, ETC, ETC.

2) Alyssa is feeling different because she is adopted! This issue is a little harder. She talked in great length about how she feels like an outsider and that she feels ashamed to be adopted. That was hard to hear - really hard! And, it was hard for her to admit! She talked about J and how much she liked being able to "talk" to someone else that is adopted. She also talked about feeling guilty for how she feels because J always seems so glad that she is adopted, and Alyssa feels ashamed. We tried to help Alyssa understand that she should feel special about her adoption. How special Jeff and I feel that Alyssa is our daughter. We talked about her being chosen. She didn't realize that we had turned down other kids before her. She didn't realize that we got to choose. She thought we HAD to take what they gave us. We tried to explain that was the reason she was so special - she was CHOSEN!!!

We will see how the next few days go. This morning was definitely better. She made an effort! That in and of itself is progress.

Finally, the doodle is compliments of Rick at Organized Doodles. I don't know why exactly, but it just seemed to fit us right now. Always loving and "in love", just a little demented and weird!

Help!

I am asking for help!

I need some fresh ideas for getting Alyssa to open up. She has shown no interest in blogging, she constantly says that we don't love her, and she is sassy and disrespectful beyond belief.

We had ONE GOOD DAY, and then poof! The sass and disrespect returned full force. Now, she has added the woe is me complex. I am bad, I do nothing right, nobody loves me...

I have to admit that my patience and empathy are gone. You are entitled to your feelings. BUT, your feelings do not give you the right to treat me with sass and disrespect! I am here and more than willing to listen to you and try to help. BUT, be sincere! I keep getting the feeling that I am being played. Alyssa has been going to therapy long enough now that she knows the right things to say. But I feel like she is just mouthing the words. She says what we want to hear, but her actions say otherwise!

Who knows, maybe it's the weather. I know that I am not the only Mom that is really struggling for respect right now. But Alyssa knows better! She has something going on that she is hiding and refusing to talk about and it shows in her behavior. I am gearing up for a huge relevation, her behavior is that bad!

So come on Awesome Moms! Give me ideas! I need some new tools in my toolbelt!!!

We have therapy with Paulette tonight so I am hoping that she can give us some ideas that will change things up.

I don't like living with this tension! I feel like we are going backwards instead of forward!

Laundry Day

Yesterday was a good day! The morning went really smooth and after school, Alyssa decided that she wanted to make supper for us. I took her (and her cookbook) to the grocery store and she picked out the ingredients that she would need. We got home and she followed the recipe and did everything by herself. I supervised and helped when she asked. She made lasagna roll ups for dinner and for dessert, apple pie strudels! It was wonderfully delicious! She even did the dishes when she finished cooking!

After dinner, we went to a jewelry party that a friend of mine was having. I told Alyssa that if she wanted to buy something, she would have to use her own money. So she looked through the catalog and very carefully chose two items that she wanted. She asked my advice, and I approved. They were age appropriate, (she usually chooses things that are way too old for her) and fit within her budget. So she forked over her cash, and THANKED me for taking her along!

We got home late. It was thirty minutes past bed time and she got her jammies on, brushed her teeth, and went peacefully to bed.

Miracles do happen!

Today I am going to get caught up on the laundry that I have pushed off all week. I usually do at least 1 load every day and it is now Friday and I haven't done any. So I am going to try to get it all caught up so that we can enjoy the weekend without having to do chores!

School Pic

I just realized that I never posted Alyssa's school picture from this year. So here it is!

Grounded

Well Alyssa didn't blog last night. She was tired and just wanted to watch a movie with her free time. She has had a lot of big tests to study for and I think she is just burned out. Today alone she has a spelling test, math test, and a test on the 50 states. Her goal is 100%. I will be happy if she doesn't zone out and miss them all. She knows them, and her teacher knows she knows them.

In other news, her sassy, disrespectful mouth has gotten her grounded. She had a roller skating outing planned with her friend that is not going to happen. But for once, I am not the bad guy, Daddy is! Yeah for him! He overheard Alyssa at her sassy worst and grounded her till the end of the weekend. He took away all non family activities. She can't even go pick up her Girl Scout Cookie order, Daddy will do it for her! So yeah for my hubby! Maybe my bitch fest of the other day finally sank in!!!

Snow???!!!!!

It is snowing! Big, fat, beautiful flakes. But I am ready for spring! I am ready to see the promise of rebirth and new beginnings.

We are at that point when the skating rink is closed because it warmed up and the ice got icky. The snow melted just enough that we can't go sledding. We are at the point when winter is not fun anymore. This is when we would normally take a mini winter vacation. Go to an indoor water park for the weekend and pretend that it is warm outside. However, being laid off, I hesitate to spend money if we don't have to. Lord knows that we have dished out enough in the past week.

Alyssa is still struggling with behaviors. However, she is trying. I can handle the bad, knowing and being able to see Alyssa working hard to make it better. She lost her desire to do the work for a little bit and it worried me.

She asked if she could blog after school today, so I am glad about that. Blogging seems to really help her make sense of her feelings.

A friend of mine is having a really hard time with her daughter. Please remember her family in your prayers.

Alcohol is a Mom's Best Friend!

I feel much better today, it is amazing what a night out with friends will do for a person. Add to that mass quantities of alcohol and the world is a much better place today!

Thanks for all your kind wishes, they really helped and gave me the boost I needed!

I Give Up!

I wish I could share good news with all of you, really I do. But, life in this household has been very stressful. Alyssa is rolling up and down and seems unable (or unwilling) to be a family kid. I must admit that I have not been a good Mom. So I am going to rant and please be kind. I love my daughter and my husband, but I have had enough!

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am so done feeling like a doormat and not being respected. I am sick of the sass and disrespect that comes out of my daughter's mouth. I am sick and tired of being expected to move on as if nothing happened five minutes after Alyssa makes me feel like shit because of something she said! She can scream "I HATE YOU!" and two minutes later turn around and act like nothing happened. I can't pretend any more. Last night my daughter mocked me, and my husband did nothing. Which then led to me screaming at him, which led to him screaming at Alyssa, which led to Alyssa informing me that she knew that I didn't love her and she was ready to move. Now, I know it is her RAD rearing its ugly head, and that she is scared, but at what point is it OK to treat me like shit, make me cry, and break my heart, and not have to be accountable for it?

I do nothing but yell at her, remind her of all the BAD things she does(mind you, we never use the word bad in this house - we talk about wrong choices), and never help her! I am the worst Mom in the world and never do anything nice for her!

I am the one that spent 30 minutes in the store picking out the perfect Valentine's card. I am the one that picked out the teddy bear and movie for her gift. I am the one that made treats for her class and helped her bake a cake for Daddy. I am the one that wrapped her gift and made sure she would have a good valentine's day. What did I get? Well, Alyssa realized that no one bothered to remember me on Valentine's Day. She went in her room, ripped out a piece of notebook paper, and scribbled Happy Valentine's Day Mom on it and came out and said "I made you a card Mom!" Then, Jeff went to the store and bought Alyssa flowers like he does every year on Valentine's Day and came home with flowers for me too. He gave them to me saying "I figured you would shoot me if I came home with flowers for Alyssa and not you!"

THANK YOU DEAR FAMILY FOR THE WONDERFUL GIFTS! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't ask for much, really I don't. Is it too much to ask to be appreciated? I don't think so!

I know Jeff is struggling with some pretty serious issues, and I'm worried about him. I am also worried about Alyssa - desperately worried. BUT I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am running on empty and if my tank doesn't get refilled, I am going to be living in a rubber room, wearing a straight jacket, with drool running down my face! I know, not a pretty picture!

What do I do to move forward? To make my family move forward? I am not perfect, far from it! But I realize that I'm screwing up - I just don't know what to do to fix it!!!

I suck!

We started this morning happy and smiling. It ended with tears and yelling. Yelling on my part and tears from Alyssa.

It began when Alyssa asked me to look at her foot, she thought she had a sliver. So, I looked at her foot, and yes, a little sliver in her heal. I get the tweezer out and touch her foot and holy bloody hell, the screaming started and you would have thought that I was amputating her foot! I lost it - completely! I grabbed her foot and yanked out the sliver, the whole while lecturing her about the excess of drama and how so many kids are suffering from real illnesses and injuries and she was screaming bloody murder over a sliver! I continued to lecture her all the way to school about how she should be counting her blessings instead of carrying on over a sliver!

Then, we got to school and I say, "Love you sweetie, have a nice day!" Alyssa looked at me like I had flipped my lid, perhaps she was right.

I suck!

P.S. When I hyperlink something on my blog, it is not showing up with a different color, even though I have a special color set in my settings. Any ideas? It is driving me nuts and at this point I don't think I need anything else pushing me over the ledge!

A Busy Mom

We have been busy preparing for Valentine's Day. Alyssa chose to make Cupid's Cups to make for her class treat. They are a little putzy, but we are having fun doing them. Even Jeff got creative with the chocolate and enjoyed making designs on the cups.

Getting Alyssa to journal has always been a challenge. I am hoping that blogging will change that. She seems to like the idea of doing a blog, so maybe this will be a great thing for her. I am not pushing her to blog, when she asks to go on her blog, I let her. She is still keeping things private, but is VERY excited to be in contact with J, another kid just like her, so she says!

We hit a rough patch with our vehicles. It seems that everything went to hell in a hand basket all at once. First, over Christmas, someone hit our truck and ran. $3,000 later, we had a $200 deductible to pay and our truck is fixed. Then, we discovered that my car doesn't like to start when it gets cold. Now folks, I live in Wisconsin, it is cold here all the time! The shop finally figured out what the problem is and it is covered under warranty, but we have to pay the $75 deductible. Then, the service engine light comes on in the truck. We took it in and it seems the water pump was leaking! So that added another $500 to the vehicle total. And, while the truck was up on the lift, it was discovered that the sidewalls of the tires are shot, so we need new tires - NOW! So far, the cheapest estimate for new tires is $1000. Where that is going to come from is yet to be seen. All of these issues on their own are no biggy. But why do they have to happen all at once??????

I have discovered that while I enjoy being a stay at home Mom, I NEED to get back to work! I like working. I know, who knew? I like the challenge of the daily grind, and believe it or not, I get more things done when I have more to do. I am hoping that I will find a job soon, but the way the economy is, I am not holding my breath. I know the perfect job is out there and I'll find it!

So, lastly, Happy Valentine's Day ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Lisa taught Alyssa how to do the hearts - THANK'S LISA, LOVE IT! ♥

One last thing. Alyssa said I should tell everyone that if you would like to be able to read her blog, send your email address and why you would like to read her blog and she will consider adding you!

Alyssa has a Blog!

Alyssa has been inspired to blog! She is at The Secret Life of Me. Her blog is set to private, so if you would like to follow her story, please comment and we will see if Alyssa will add you. So far she said she just wants to talk to kids, but we will see. I think J's courage really inspired her.

Just a note of caution: Alyssa has final say over who gets to read her blog, so don't be hurt if she says no. She may go public later, but for now, she feels better being private.

I am Alive!

I am back to the world of blogging!

I have no excuse other than to say that being unemployed has thrown me for a loop. I have started so many projects and finished none! I think that I am finally starting to get back in the groove!

Now for an update on Alyssa. We had a rough holiday. Alyssa is really struggling with her feelings for her birth family. We decided to let her send a letter to her Aunt. Alyssa wrote a letter telling her that she missed them and she included some pictures. Well, they never responded, so then Alyssa was really hurt that they didn't care. My heart ached for her as I sat here and suffered the fallout of that letter.

We have spent the majority of our therapy time trying to help Alyssa deal with her feelings. I am happy to say that she seems to be back on the right track. She is smiling again and has the twinkle back in her eyes! I was very concerned that she was going to get stuck in the past and not be able to move forward. But my little girl is strong, and she is going to be OK!

I'm sorry that I haven't been around. I have thought of you all daily and remembered you in my prayers. I promise that I will get back to my regular blogging. I still have a couple of projects to finish and the majority of my time is spent job hunting, but I promise to post on a regular basis!