Thursday, February 26, 2009

Another Good Day

Another good day! Alyssa was able to stay on task, and get back on track when she needed to.

Actually, she only had one rough patch. She was supposed to help Daddy with two chores. Necessary chores required for her to be able to attend a birthday party on Friday. She did the first chore with no complaints. When it came time to do the second, she decided that she was going to be in charge instead of Jeff. Jeff immediately put a stop to her control and said that she had a choice: either do it his way or don't do it at all. He then turned around and walked away. She complained and ranted that he wasn't being fair and yada yada yada. He then asked her what her choice was going to be. She chose to do the chore his way, and be his assistant instead of the leader!!!

Yea for Jeff!

Alyssa wanted to blog last night but between homework, required chores, and Ash Wednesday service at church, she didn't have time. I was just happy that she wanted to blog!!!

Our last therapy session with Paulette has definitely made changes here. Jeff has become more involved in day to day stuff, and Alyssa is once again working hard to be a family kid! As a result, I feel much more relaxed and calm. Win, win for all involved!

I am going to enjoy this new phase in our life. I am going to pray that it continues.....

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

A Plea for Help!

Yesterday was a good day!

We had no arguments. We had no sass. WE HAD NO DISRESPECT!!!

I made her write on her blog and she grumbled about it but did it anyway. She also thanked me for making her do it 'cause she said she felt better inside.

Yea Me!!!

All right, now I am calling all blogger experts............................

I have hyperlinked alot of stuff to my blog posts. I have selected a unique color for hyperlinks. However, my hyperlinks are not showing up unless you scroll over the hyperlinked item.

I am at my wits end! Do I have some setting not set correctly? I have tried everything that I know, and my hyperlinks are still not showing up. They work if you scroll over them and find them, people just don't know that they are there!!!

Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Demented and Weird

I am so grateful for Paulette(our therapist)!

She helped us to take a step back and really see what was going on. We discovered two things.

1) We have been giving Alyssa too much control. She doesn't feel safe. By giving her more freedom, we ended up taking away some of her security. So that one is an easy fix. We are taking away most of the control that we have given her. We are going to scale back and limit her choices to just a few things. Like, she can still choose what she wants to wear to school and how she fixes her hair, but Dad and I will schedule her time. She doesn't get to decide when to do homework, or practice her violin. She must follow OUR schedule. ETC, ETC, ETC.

2) Alyssa is feeling different because she is adopted! This issue is a little harder. She talked in great length about how she feels like an outsider and that she feels ashamed to be adopted. That was hard to hear - really hard! And, it was hard for her to admit! She talked about J and how much she liked being able to "talk" to someone else that is adopted. She also talked about feeling guilty for how she feels because J always seems so glad that she is adopted, and Alyssa feels ashamed. We tried to help Alyssa understand that she should feel special about her adoption. How special Jeff and I feel that Alyssa is our daughter. We talked about her being chosen. She didn't realize that we had turned down other kids before her. She didn't realize that we got to choose. She thought we HAD to take what they gave us. We tried to explain that was the reason she was so special - she was CHOSEN!!!

We will see how the next few days go. This morning was definitely better. She made an effort! That in and of itself is progress.

Finally, the doodle is compliments of Rick at Organized Doodles. I don't know why exactly, but it just seemed to fit us right now. Always loving and "in love", just a little demented and weird!

Monday, February 23, 2009


I am asking for help!

I need some fresh ideas for getting Alyssa to open up. She has shown no interest in blogging, she constantly says that we don't love her, and she is sassy and disrespectful beyond belief.

We had ONE GOOD DAY, and then poof! The sass and disrespect returned full force. Now, she has added the woe is me complex. I am bad, I do nothing right, nobody loves me...

I have to admit that my patience and empathy are gone. You are entitled to your feelings. BUT, your feelings do not give you the right to treat me with sass and disrespect! I am here and more than willing to listen to you and try to help. BUT, be sincere! I keep getting the feeling that I am being played. Alyssa has been going to therapy long enough now that she knows the right things to say. But I feel like she is just mouthing the words. She says what we want to hear, but her actions say otherwise!

Who knows, maybe it's the weather. I know that I am not the only Mom that is really struggling for respect right now. But Alyssa knows better! She has something going on that she is hiding and refusing to talk about and it shows in her behavior. I am gearing up for a huge relevation, her behavior is that bad!

So come on Awesome Moms! Give me ideas! I need some new tools in my toolbelt!!!

We have therapy with Paulette tonight so I am hoping that she can give us some ideas that will change things up.

I don't like living with this tension! I feel like we are going backwards instead of forward!

Friday, February 20, 2009

Laundry Day

Yesterday was a good day! The morning went really smooth and after school, Alyssa decided that she wanted to make supper for us. I took her (and her cookbook) to the grocery store and she picked out the ingredients that she would need. We got home and she followed the recipe and did everything by herself. I supervised and helped when she asked. She made lasagna roll ups for dinner and for dessert, apple pie strudels! It was wonderfully delicious! She even did the dishes when she finished cooking!

After dinner, we went to a jewelry party that a friend of mine was having. I told Alyssa that if she wanted to buy something, she would have to use her own money. So she looked through the catalog and very carefully chose two items that she wanted. She asked my advice, and I approved. They were age appropriate, (she usually chooses things that are way too old for her) and fit within her budget. So she forked over her cash, and THANKED me for taking her along!

We got home late. It was thirty minutes past bed time and she got her jammies on, brushed her teeth, and went peacefully to bed.

Miracles do happen!

Today I am going to get caught up on the laundry that I have pushed off all week. I usually do at least 1 load every day and it is now Friday and I haven't done any. So I am going to try to get it all caught up so that we can enjoy the weekend without having to do chores!

Thursday, February 19, 2009

School Pic

I just realized that I never posted Alyssa's school picture from this year. So here it is!


Well Alyssa didn't blog last night. She was tired and just wanted to watch a movie with her free time. She has had a lot of big tests to study for and I think she is just burned out. Today alone she has a spelling test, math test, and a test on the 50 states. Her goal is 100%. I will be happy if she doesn't zone out and miss them all. She knows them, and her teacher knows she knows them.

In other news, her sassy, disrespectful mouth has gotten her grounded. She had a roller skating outing planned with her friend that is not going to happen. But for once, I am not the bad guy, Daddy is! Yeah for him! He overheard Alyssa at her sassy worst and grounded her till the end of the weekend. He took away all non family activities. She can't even go pick up her Girl Scout Cookie order, Daddy will do it for her! So yeah for my hubby! Maybe my bitch fest of the other day finally sank in!!!

Wednesday, February 18, 2009


It is snowing! Big, fat, beautiful flakes. But I am ready for spring! I am ready to see the promise of rebirth and new beginnings.

We are at that point when the skating rink is closed because it warmed up and the ice got icky. The snow melted just enough that we can't go sledding. We are at the point when winter is not fun anymore. This is when we would normally take a mini winter vacation. Go to an indoor water park for the weekend and pretend that it is warm outside. However, being laid off, I hesitate to spend money if we don't have to. Lord knows that we have dished out enough in the past week.

Alyssa is still struggling with behaviors. However, she is trying. I can handle the bad, knowing and being able to see Alyssa working hard to make it better. She lost her desire to do the work for a little bit and it worried me.

She asked if she could blog after school today, so I am glad about that. Blogging seems to really help her make sense of her feelings.

A friend of mine is having a really hard time with her daughter. Please remember her family in your prayers.

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Alcohol is a Mom's Best Friend!

I feel much better today, it is amazing what a night out with friends will do for a person. Add to that mass quantities of alcohol and the world is a much better place today!

Thanks for all your kind wishes, they really helped and gave me the boost I needed!

Monday, February 16, 2009

I Give Up!

I wish I could share good news with all of you, really I do. But, life in this household has been very stressful. Alyssa is rolling up and down and seems unable (or unwilling) to be a family kid. I must admit that I have not been a good Mom. So I am going to rant and please be kind. I love my daughter and my husband, but I have had enough!

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am so done feeling like a doormat and not being respected. I am sick of the sass and disrespect that comes out of my daughter's mouth. I am sick and tired of being expected to move on as if nothing happened five minutes after Alyssa makes me feel like shit because of something she said! She can scream "I HATE YOU!" and two minutes later turn around and act like nothing happened. I can't pretend any more. Last night my daughter mocked me, and my husband did nothing. Which then led to me screaming at him, which led to him screaming at Alyssa, which led to Alyssa informing me that she knew that I didn't love her and she was ready to move. Now, I know it is her RAD rearing its ugly head, and that she is scared, but at what point is it OK to treat me like shit, make me cry, and break my heart, and not have to be accountable for it?

I do nothing but yell at her, remind her of all the BAD things she does(mind you, we never use the word bad in this house - we talk about wrong choices), and never help her! I am the worst Mom in the world and never do anything nice for her!

I am the one that spent 30 minutes in the store picking out the perfect Valentine's card. I am the one that picked out the teddy bear and movie for her gift. I am the one that made treats for her class and helped her bake a cake for Daddy. I am the one that wrapped her gift and made sure she would have a good valentine's day. What did I get? Well, Alyssa realized that no one bothered to remember me on Valentine's Day. She went in her room, ripped out a piece of notebook paper, and scribbled Happy Valentine's Day Mom on it and came out and said "I made you a card Mom!" Then, Jeff went to the store and bought Alyssa flowers like he does every year on Valentine's Day and came home with flowers for me too. He gave them to me saying "I figured you would shoot me if I came home with flowers for Alyssa and not you!"


I don't ask for much, really I don't. Is it too much to ask to be appreciated? I don't think so!

I know Jeff is struggling with some pretty serious issues, and I'm worried about him. I am also worried about Alyssa - desperately worried. BUT I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am running on empty and if my tank doesn't get refilled, I am going to be living in a rubber room, wearing a straight jacket, with drool running down my face! I know, not a pretty picture!

What do I do to move forward? To make my family move forward? I am not perfect, far from it! But I realize that I'm screwing up - I just don't know what to do to fix it!!!

Friday, February 13, 2009

I suck!

We started this morning happy and smiling. It ended with tears and yelling. Yelling on my part and tears from Alyssa.

It began when Alyssa asked me to look at her foot, she thought she had a sliver. So, I looked at her foot, and yes, a little sliver in her heal. I get the tweezer out and touch her foot and holy bloody hell, the screaming started and you would have thought that I was amputating her foot! I lost it - completely! I grabbed her foot and yanked out the sliver, the whole while lecturing her about the excess of drama and how so many kids are suffering from real illnesses and injuries and she was screaming bloody murder over a sliver! I continued to lecture her all the way to school about how she should be counting her blessings instead of carrying on over a sliver!

Then, we got to school and I say, "Love you sweetie, have a nice day!" Alyssa looked at me like I had flipped my lid, perhaps she was right.

I suck!

P.S. When I hyperlink something on my blog, it is not showing up with a different color, even though I have a special color set in my settings. Any ideas? It is driving me nuts and at this point I don't think I need anything else pushing me over the ledge!

Thursday, February 12, 2009

A Busy Mom

We have been busy preparing for Valentine's Day. Alyssa chose to make Cupid's Cups to make for her class treat. They are a little putzy, but we are having fun doing them. Even Jeff got creative with the chocolate and enjoyed making designs on the cups.

Getting Alyssa to journal has always been a challenge. I am hoping that blogging will change that. She seems to like the idea of doing a blog, so maybe this will be a great thing for her. I am not pushing her to blog, when she asks to go on her blog, I let her. She is still keeping things private, but is VERY excited to be in contact with J, another kid just like her, so she says!

We hit a rough patch with our vehicles. It seems that everything went to hell in a hand basket all at once. First, over Christmas, someone hit our truck and ran. $3,000 later, we had a $200 deductible to pay and our truck is fixed. Then, we discovered that my car doesn't like to start when it gets cold. Now folks, I live in Wisconsin, it is cold here all the time! The shop finally figured out what the problem is and it is covered under warranty, but we have to pay the $75 deductible. Then, the service engine light comes on in the truck. We took it in and it seems the water pump was leaking! So that added another $500 to the vehicle total. And, while the truck was up on the lift, it was discovered that the sidewalls of the tires are shot, so we need new tires - NOW! So far, the cheapest estimate for new tires is $1000. Where that is going to come from is yet to be seen. All of these issues on their own are no biggy. But why do they have to happen all at once??????

I have discovered that while I enjoy being a stay at home Mom, I NEED to get back to work! I like working. I know, who knew? I like the challenge of the daily grind, and believe it or not, I get more things done when I have more to do. I am hoping that I will find a job soon, but the way the economy is, I am not holding my breath. I know the perfect job is out there and I'll find it!

So, lastly, Happy Valentine's Day ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Lisa taught Alyssa how to do the hearts - THANK'S LISA, LOVE IT! ♥

One last thing. Alyssa said I should tell everyone that if you would like to be able to read her blog, send your email address and why you would like to read her blog and she will consider adding you!

Friday, February 6, 2009

Alyssa has a Blog!

Alyssa has been inspired to blog! She is at The Secret Life of Me. Her blog is set to private, so if you would like to follow her story, please comment and we will see if Alyssa will add you. So far she said she just wants to talk to kids, but we will see. I think J's courage really inspired her.

Just a note of caution: Alyssa has final say over who gets to read her blog, so don't be hurt if she says no. She may go public later, but for now, she feels better being private.

Thursday, February 5, 2009

I am Alive!

I am back to the world of blogging!

I have no excuse other than to say that being unemployed has thrown me for a loop. I have started so many projects and finished none! I think that I am finally starting to get back in the groove!

Now for an update on Alyssa. We had a rough holiday. Alyssa is really struggling with her feelings for her birth family. We decided to let her send a letter to her Aunt. Alyssa wrote a letter telling her that she missed them and she included some pictures. Well, they never responded, so then Alyssa was really hurt that they didn't care. My heart ached for her as I sat here and suffered the fallout of that letter.

We have spent the majority of our therapy time trying to help Alyssa deal with her feelings. I am happy to say that she seems to be back on the right track. She is smiling again and has the twinkle back in her eyes! I was very concerned that she was going to get stuck in the past and not be able to move forward. But my little girl is strong, and she is going to be OK!

I'm sorry that I haven't been around. I have thought of you all daily and remembered you in my prayers. I promise that I will get back to my regular blogging. I still have a couple of projects to finish and the majority of my time is spent job hunting, but I promise to post on a regular basis!