Monday, February 16, 2009

I Give Up!

I wish I could share good news with all of you, really I do. But, life in this household has been very stressful. Alyssa is rolling up and down and seems unable (or unwilling) to be a family kid. I must admit that I have not been a good Mom. So I am going to rant and please be kind. I love my daughter and my husband, but I have had enough!

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am so done feeling like a doormat and not being respected. I am sick of the sass and disrespect that comes out of my daughter's mouth. I am sick and tired of being expected to move on as if nothing happened five minutes after Alyssa makes me feel like shit because of something she said! She can scream "I HATE YOU!" and two minutes later turn around and act like nothing happened. I can't pretend any more. Last night my daughter mocked me, and my husband did nothing. Which then led to me screaming at him, which led to him screaming at Alyssa, which led to Alyssa informing me that she knew that I didn't love her and she was ready to move. Now, I know it is her RAD rearing its ugly head, and that she is scared, but at what point is it OK to treat me like shit, make me cry, and break my heart, and not have to be accountable for it?

I do nothing but yell at her, remind her of all the BAD things she does(mind you, we never use the word bad in this house - we talk about wrong choices), and never help her! I am the worst Mom in the world and never do anything nice for her!

I am the one that spent 30 minutes in the store picking out the perfect Valentine's card. I am the one that picked out the teddy bear and movie for her gift. I am the one that made treats for her class and helped her bake a cake for Daddy. I am the one that wrapped her gift and made sure she would have a good valentine's day. What did I get? Well, Alyssa realized that no one bothered to remember me on Valentine's Day. She went in her room, ripped out a piece of notebook paper, and scribbled Happy Valentine's Day Mom on it and came out and said "I made you a card Mom!" Then, Jeff went to the store and bought Alyssa flowers like he does every year on Valentine's Day and came home with flowers for me too. He gave them to me saying "I figured you would shoot me if I came home with flowers for Alyssa and not you!"


I don't ask for much, really I don't. Is it too much to ask to be appreciated? I don't think so!

I know Jeff is struggling with some pretty serious issues, and I'm worried about him. I am also worried about Alyssa - desperately worried. BUT I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am running on empty and if my tank doesn't get refilled, I am going to be living in a rubber room, wearing a straight jacket, with drool running down my face! I know, not a pretty picture!

What do I do to move forward? To make my family move forward? I am not perfect, far from it! But I realize that I'm screwing up - I just don't know what to do to fix it!!!


Dinah said...

HUGS!!! Your heart is heavy. I have been at that point of wanting to leave. I know the desparation of not communicating with my husband. I will not give advice, but just know that you have now shared your burdens and can come away a bit lighter. I really hope & pray that you find some healing.

Want to come over for coffee? :D

Lisa said...

I am so sorry. Wishing I could give you a big hug. The ups and downs are so unbelievably hard and when the hard ones return it can make me crazy.

It is not ok for her to treat you like that.

You will help her get it turned around but right now I think you need to go hide in the closet and eat lots of chocolate!


Ashley said...

Wowzers- Thinking of you today Miss Geri....

Linda B. said...

You just described me. I'm not kidding. I felt I was doing more harm to my daughter and resented my husband for not doing more. I felt neglected and totally empty. You give and give and you don't get even a nod of thanks. If there is any way you can get a break away from them it would help a bit. What helped me more was getting her out of the house for a weekend. That's all our county would do for respite--one weekend a month. I thought what good would that do. But it was amazing not having to THINK about her at all over that weekend. Unfortunately (or fortunately) she is now in residential treatment. It is amazing how our household has changed now that she's been out for almost 2 months. Many hugs are being sent to you.

Annie said...

Yes, definitely take a break. It is completely impossible to do unless you take care of yourself. You sound like me four years ago. Today we have the same problems, I just have adjusted my expectations and make sure that I "put on my oxygen mask first" either put her in respite next weekend, or better yet, check yourself into a hotel by your self and leave her with dad for the weekend. Something dramatic is needed to shake things up, especially for hubby. You cannot be on the one side of the 2 against 1 game anymore. Hubby needs to get on board with you.

Linus said...

Sorry you had a day like that. God knows, i had plenty of them. Sometimes even with a DX of RAD or some other mental health, we still just cant help to feel that we deserve a little respect. If it's any help at all, your daughter does realize that you put in extra effort for her and she will most likely realize it when she is older. At least, that what I have been told.

Torina said...

And that is why I spent so much time in the closet the first two years we had Tara. Now I have a happy place in my head that I go to. No one else is allowed.

Sounds like you need a family meeting. Lay it out there. Especially now that you are a SAHM (I do not envy you. THAT is the hardest job in the world), you need extra time to get away since you don't have a job to escape to.

Good luck. You will make it. It sucks. But you can do this.

Accidental Mommy said...

You are not a bad mother. You are human. Take it from me, I am learning this too. If you read back about a month or so I have a very similar post to yours.

I did give up. I gave up being their doormat, I gave up trying to be a good mother, I gave up on everyone else, so to speak.

I started thinking of things to do for myself. I started a cake decorating class (2 hours, one night a week) and I'm crocheting again, and reading a book.

To be honest, I have written about it, but it's shocked the $hit out of the more selfish people in my house. *GASP* Where's dinner? What is she doing? She's reading? How dare she?

At first, I was really angry but then I said F'em and kept going anyway. What else has worked is agreeing with them. "Sure, I'm a bad mom. I'm lazy, uh...huh...what else?" I'm agreeing absentmindedly while still doing what *I* want.

Same goes for Hubbins. I've gotten more help this past few weeks then ever. Some how you've got to make them feel all you do when it's not there anymore.

I guess I should blog more about what I've done and the reactions. But some of it does make me feel like a bad mom, yet, deep down I know I'm being irrational about it.

I hope things get better for you. *hugs*

Tracey said...

I have no sage advice since I'm just starting this journey but I do agree that time for yourself is so important. I like the idea of leaving her home with dad while you check into a nice hotel for a little pampering.

You'll get through this, and your family will be stronger for it. I really believe that!


Essie the Accidental Mommy said...

You don't suck. You are normal and you are fine. If you sucked, you would not be trying so hard and doing so much. What you have is a sucky situation and little- to- no help. I once heard the term guerilla parenting- trying to parent through a war in the jungles of a place you have never been. I hope it gets better for you!!! Vent away!
Oh yeah, and HI! Nice to meet you! LOL!

Heather said...

You definitely have the right to vent and be stressed. Parenting these kids is so tough, so much of the time, and we've all been there.

Recently, I feel like I am spending so much time correcting and arguing that I can't enjoy my daughter, and I feel your frustration. I hope you can find a way to take a break.