I need your help!

I have been asked to participate in a Survey for parents raising children with RAD. This survey is being done by the Children's Service Society, a division of Children's Hospital. The supervisor for the agency that placed Alyssa is now working there and thought of us when the survey came up.

The goal of this survey, is to find out from parents, what needs to improve! How exciting is that? So I am asking all of you:

What are your biggest problems/concerns/issues, in raising your RAD child?

I will try to incorporate your responses in my survey.

Oh, you guys will love this. Children's Service Society said that they thought they would have a hard time getting people to participate in this survey. Not the case! Of all the people they have approached, no one has declined! I said well duh! If we can help educate people about RAD and maybe get programs in place that will help - why would we turn that down?

I'll keep you all posted as I find out more!

My cup overfloweth!

Saturday was a busy, busy day. Petek's had their 9th Annual fund raiser/brat fry for Special Olympics. I sold raffles all day. I had the opportunity to talk to a lot of people. A lot of people so grateful for what Petek's was doing. I got to talk to the Dad of one particular athlete that was proudly displaying the metals that he had won in track. This Dad made me cry! I know, not that it takes alot! But this Dad, was so grateful that this brat fry happened year after year. This Dad was amazed that year after year, we kept giving and trying to make it bigger and better. This Dad was at this benefit, spending his money, helping us raise money to give back to those that help him in so many ways. I am choked up just thinking about it! To be able to talk about this event and include myself by saying "we" is an honor and a privilege! I am proud to be able to count myself among the volunteers. I am proud to be able to say that I played a small part in the success of the brat fry. The generosity of the community that came and bought burgers, or beer, or raffle tickets, or donated items before the event makes me proud that I live in this community. That I am able to call all the people involved with this event my friends - Priceless!

Sunday, our church kicked off it's 100th birthday celebration. The Men of Harmony performed during the service and it was an uplifting experience! My heart was filled with the love of God and I was truly inspired!

I have been feeling really low lately. Feeling kind of sorry for myself, I guess. I've been missing my parents, missing Jeff's mom, and really feeling bad that Alyssa never got to meet her Grandparents. My own self pity on top of the stress that goes along with having Jeff for a husband and Alyssa for a daughter, well lets just say my cup was pretty empty.

Even though my weekend was a busy one, it was so rewarding! The feeling you get when you give to others is so incredibly awesome! My cup has definitely been refilled!

Dice starts tonight! Yeah! This is my bi-weekly girls night out! I can't wait!

Oh and even though I thought I knew who my San Diego reader was, I had it confirmed. Hi Jeanie!!!

Let's see, what else? Oh, you probably want to hear about Alyssa, considering this blog is supposed to be about raising a child with RAD. Well, if I tell you that I have nothing significant to report, will you all understand the success of just having a normal weekend? Even with all of our commitments, Alyssa was responsible, respectful, and fun to be with! I was so proud of her in church yesterday when she volunteered to help a girl in a wheelchair! Alyssa's response to me? Well geeze Mom, I just helped her with the elevator, what's the big deal? The big deal is, to you, she is just another kid! Alyssa didn't get it! But I'm sure you guys do. My little Radish is healing. I really wish that every single one of you gets the opportunity to see how that feels!

Oh, and one more thing...My Packers lost! I am sooooooooooo sad!

Much Better

Wow do I feel better!

It is amazing how good if feels to just get everything off your chest. After blogging yesterday, I decided to again talk to Jeff. I talked(vented actually) to him for a good solid 30 min. I really think he may have got it! He first let me rant, then he asked what he could do to make my days easier, and then he promised to try harder.

I really can't ask for more. I love my family, I really do. Sometimes I just get tired and I need to vent.

We have a busy weekend coming up. I work tonight at the bar and tomorrow is our fund raiser for Special Olympics. Alyssa is excited because she gets to spend the whole day with Cody. I look forward to the Special Olympics brat fry every year because you get to see so many people you normally don't see. Jeanie is home from CA even! Last year we raised over $6,000. This year we hope to increase that amount. It is a lot of hard work for everyone, and a really long day, but so totally worth it and tons of fun to boot!

Sunday our church is having the kick off to it's 100th anniversary celebration, and then we will get to watch my beloved Packers beat Dallas! GO PACK!!!

Lastly, please pray for my friend Lisa. Her mother is ill and could use every one's prayers.

Vent!

After Monday's behaviors, I thought we had a good plan in place for when Alyssa had feelings to share. Well, apparently not! Another lovely morning in our house had me on the verge of running away. I allowed Alyssa to get to me! She pushed and pushed and finally pushed me right over the edge! I finally literally walked her out the door and placed her in the car. I drove her to school, pulled up in front, and said "Get Out!" Never said I love you, have a good day, nothing but a disdainful "I hope your attitude gets better!".

I SUCK!

Please don't yell at me! Please don't tell me that I have to remain calm and loving. I know all that. I can usually attain that. But not today. Today I'm just tired and I've had enough!

I better back up. I have been asking for help around the house for a while now. Let me just stop right here and make it very clear that I love my husband and my daughter, BUT... So anyway, I have been up late for the last few weeks, trying to get stuff done, trying to stay on top of things while my husband and daughter either plunk their butts in front of the TV or go off and play or whatever! Then my darling Jeff has the balls to tell me that I'm nagging and I should quit telling him what to do! Then when I told Alyssa to finish up her chores that I assigned her on Monday, she starts whining and caring on about how she wanted to play. This was the last straw!
I pulled her into the living room where Jeff was, turned off the TV, and let them have it with both barrels. It went kind of like this:

What is it exactly that makes you both think that you don't have to do anything around this house? Do you think it is MY job to do everything? Do you think it is fair that I am working from the time I get up in the morning, till the time I go to bed, while you two are relaxing and enjoying yourselves? Jeff interrupts here with "Make a list and it will get done". Make a list, why do I have to make a list? Can't you see what needs to be done? I look around this house and I can see hundreds of things that need to be done! Have you no pride in your home? Just as I said this, Alyssa took the newspaper and put it on the floor 'cause it was in her way. I said, what makes you think that it is OK to put the paper on the floor? Do you think its OK to toss stuff wherever because it is in your way? Alyssa responds with "Well Daddy does it!" Yeah, Daddy does it. Doesn't mean it's OK. I then continued, Do you not care what our house looks like? Jeff says, "Of course we do". I respond by saying, "Then why is the towel that you used to clean gas up with LAST week, still laying in the driveway?" No response. Ultimatum delivered. Either I get help or I am going on strike! They both jumped up and got to work. I ran to the store. When I got home, they had their 1 chore completed and were on the couch. God forbid that you do more than 1.

So, I was ticked off from last night. Then to get the attitude out of Alyssa this morning - too much! I could really relate to Heather's post. Some days it just becomes too much. I agree with Heather. Tomorrow I will return to the role of warrior. I will slay dragons, wipe tears, and clean my house, all with a smile on my face and love in my eyes.

Today, I am going to be pissed off, and cranky, and ornery. And I am going to make sure that my family understands that I am serious and that I deserve to be appreciated for what I do. No more slackers, no more excuses. Everyone is going to do equal work! And if they don't? This Mom is going to have a nice long vacation in the local looney bin!!!

Ups and Downs

The party was a huge success! Alyssa was a wonderful hostess. She welcomed each of her guests and made sure that she introduced everyone to each other. Most of the kids were school friends, but a couple were kids of family friends. And they didn't know anyone else. Alyssa made sure she spent time with each of her guests and encouraged everyone to hang together.

I was very proud of Alyssa and told her many times throughout the night. She received some really nice gifts, and did a good job of making each girl feel good about the gift they chose. She had one small snafu when she opened a gift and it was a shirt that she already had. She let it slip that she already had it but when I glared daggers at her, she quickly covered with "But now I have 2 and won't wait for Mom to wash it before I can wear it again - I Love that shirt!" The little girl went from frowning to smiling, so I guess Alyssa said the right thing! Other than that one slip, the night was awesome!

We let Alyssa invite one friend to sleep over after the party and of course she chose K. Those 2 kids decided to build a fort. They had every blanket in the house piled in the living room, and stuff scattered as far as the eye could see! I gave up the fight at 1:00am and went to bed. I was told in the morning that the girls finally went to sleep at 3:00! They did a good job of cleaning up their mess in the morning and then K had to go home.

Alyssa was sad, but appropriate in her emotions. We ran some errands and decided to have a movie night because it was raining and icky outside. We watched two movies and then I shipped Alyssa off to bed. I FINALLY got to see 27 Dresses! I say finally because I have rented this movie 3 times already and never had a chance to actually watch it! It was definitely worth the wait.

Sunday was a pretty normal day for us. Sunday school, church, and the Packer game. Packers won - YEAH!!!

Monday morning, all hell broke loose in our house.Alyssa was bound and determined to self sabotage her day.My concern is this. While trying to use the tools that Paulette has given us, (I was using the 1, 2, 3 warning, basically counting to three and if her attitude didn't stop, she would have a predetermined consequence) and Alyssa actually threatened to call the police and tell them that I threatened her and I'm mean! I got angry! As it was, I told her to go ahead and explained what would happen if they thought she was telling the truth! I actually asked her if she wanted to go back to a foster home. I know, me bad! I then handed her the phone and asked her if she still wanted to call. I guess she changed her mind. Her attitude or should I say outright defiance, was off the charts! I also got an email from her teacher saying she disrupted Math testing and needed to stay in at recess! I was concerned at the level of defiance and also her threat to call the police so I emailed Paulette for advice. This was her response:

Wow--what a morning! How interesting that it comes after such a good weekend. It sounds like you

handled it as best you could. Do you think Mondays and the transition from the weekend is generally

a difficult thing for Alyssa? Also, remember that kids who have the history that Alyssa has can unconsciously

undermine positive experiences--like they don't deserve them--or that they won't happen again anyway--so they

do things to control when they go bad!

In terms of what to do: first off, just breathe and stay regulated yourself for

starts. When the time is right for you and her emotionally this afternoon or evening I think I would try

to gently explore what she thinks made today so difficult for her after such a good weekend.

What got her so off track? She might have some thoughts to offer on this, or not. You might pose some

of your own thoughts to her if you have some about what might have triggered such a reaction. (Was she

worrying about the math testing? or some other worry related to school?)

You might then try what I call some collaborative problem solving together. Acknowledge both hers and

your own concerns (hers may just be "I want to stay in bed" but it's still her concern)

about the morning time and how things go, then ask her if she has any ideas to

take care of the problem, then you can offer some of your own ideas and see if the two of you

can come up with a solution together that can work for both of you to make your mornings go better.

Try to move forward from this morning. I wouldn't focus on trying to come up with consequences for her

behavior this morning, but would focus more on coming up with a solution to work together better in the future.

Offer confidence and encouragement that you have solved other problems together and that there are no problems

too big for all of you to figure out together.

Paulette's response allowed me to put Alyssa's behavior into perspective. I couldn't get past Alyssa saying she was going to call the police. I called Jeff and told him what Paulette's response was and he said he would talk to her after school.They had their talk, and Alyssa admitted that she was thinking about her old family and missing them. Jeff and Alyssa made a pact that Alyssa would talk about her feelings before her attitude took over. She apologized profusely when I got home from work and Jeff said she was crying real tears, so I think it was sincere. She attacked her chores (consequences) with gusto, and even did extra stuff just to help out the family.

This morning was much better. Not perfect, but we left the house on time and no tears were shed!Tonight we have a meeting for Alyssa's choir and then she will be finishing up her chores. My windows are really dirty, so I think I'll let her clean them!

It's Party Time!

Alyssa's birthday party is tonight! She is so excited but also really nervous! She passed out 20 invitations and 18 kids are able to come! Last night we went to Walmart and purchased items for the gift bags for her guests. Alyssa made very good suggestions and smart choices regarding price, and types of items for the gift bags. She became very quiet, and when we were back in the car, I asked her if she was getting tired. She looked at me and said "Mom, you are spending a lot of money on my party. Why?" I told her that every little girl deserved to feel special on her birthday, and just because she had a summer birthday, she should still get to have a party! Her response to me was "Mom, you make me feel special every day!" I just about cried!

She continued to be very quiet, but once we got home, she pitched in and together we got all her gift bags made up and everything ready for the party. We finished about 2 minutes prior to her bedtime so she rushed to get her pajamas on and her teeth brushed. She asked if she could lay in bed and watch 15 minutes of TV. I said OK because I figured she needed some time to unwind. When her 15 minutes were up, I went into her room to kiss her goodnight and tuck her in. She asked for a story. The rule is if you get to stay up late, no story. Well, let me tell you, she pitched a fit! Started wailing and crying, so totally fake, you know? I just said "I love you"! and walked out of the room.

Not 2 minutes later, she got up, asked to go to the bathroom, and came and apologized for her behavior. I tucked her back into bed, and told her that I knew why she just pitched a fit, and did she want to know? She said yes. So I told her that while she was really excited for her party, a part of her felt like she didn't deserve it, so she was going to prove that she didn't. She looked at me with utter shock and said, "You're Right!" She then looked at me and declared (in a very exasperated tone of voice) "I HATE that! You are ALWAYS right!" HeHeHe, chalk one up for Mom!

This morning, very clingy, very nervous! But, she was being appropriate in her nervousness. She told me she had a bad dream last night. No one showed up for her party! I assured her that everyone would show up. My daughter has really worked on her friendship skills and made a lot of friends and is actually quite popular! She has certainly come a long way!

Now, all we have to do is get through the party with no one breaking anything! (Her party is at a Roller Skating rink). Wish us luck!

Trust and Respect

Last night we had therapy. I wanted to share some of the awesome suggestions (and homework) that Paulette gave us.

We have seen a real shift in our therapy sessions. When we first started seeing Paulette, the sessions were very traumatic and our goal was getting major behavior issues under control. Now that the major behaviors are under control, our focus has shifted to more specific issues. Last night, Paulette read Alyssa a book about personality traits. (The title was something about cookies, but I can't remember what it is). Alyssa was told that each trait that Paulette read, she should list either in a "Doing Well" column or a "Need to Work on" column. Based on Alyssa's list, we chose two traits that we were going to work on in the next two weeks. The first trait was "Trustworthy". The book explained "trustworthy" as if I ask you to hold my cookie, when I come back, my cookie will still be there. So Alyssa is to make a poster with the word "Trustworthy" on the top. Each time Jeff and I "catch" her being trustworthy, we draw a cookie on the poster and write a one word description of what we "caught" her doing. For example, this morning I asked Alyssa if she put deodorant on. She started to lie, but then caught herself and admitted she forgot. I congratulated her for being trustworthy and got to put a cookie on her poster! WAY COOL! Alyssa was very excited to see that first cookie!

The second trait we decided to work on was respect. Again, Alyssa made a poster with the word "Respect" on the top. When you show respect to people, yourself, and your things, it makes people happy. So every time we "catch" her showing respect, we will put a smiley face on her poster with a one word description. She seems really excited about this so hopefully it will make her more aware of how her words and actions affect other people.

I have to say that Paulette seems to have an unending bag of tricks. This latest homework project is really going to make Alyssa think. The coolest thing is that in Alyssa's mind, it is fun and almost like a game!

Just wanted to mention that whenever you are dealing with attachment issues, the rule is always "You need to have an attachment therapist". I don't necessarily agree with this. In my mind, an attachment therapist is someone who is trained in a specific "camp". For instance, either trained with Nancy Thomas, Daniel Hughes, Bryan Post, etc. These people do intensive therapy and only treat with one style. I have always recommended to people that they search for a therapist that specializes in adoption and trauma. Like Paulette. These therapists understand attachment disorders. They read EVERYTHING that is available about attachment. They suggest techniques and treatments based on a multitude of "camps". They are not afraid to try techniques from various philosophies and they are very hands on. They work with the family as a team and develop a strategy that works for the individual child. I think that the most important thing to look for when choosing a therapist is 1) The therapist does not meet with the child alone and 2) The therapist is willing to try various strategies and 3) The therapist is someone that you TRUST!

Back to our homework. Alyssa told Jeff & I that she is determined to fill up both posters before we see Paulette again. Awesome goal! I think she is going to work real hard to achieve it!