Snow???!!!!!

It is snowing! Big, fat, beautiful flakes. But I am ready for spring! I am ready to see the promise of rebirth and new beginnings.

We are at that point when the skating rink is closed because it warmed up and the ice got icky. The snow melted just enough that we can't go sledding. We are at the point when winter is not fun anymore. This is when we would normally take a mini winter vacation. Go to an indoor water park for the weekend and pretend that it is warm outside. However, being laid off, I hesitate to spend money if we don't have to. Lord knows that we have dished out enough in the past week.

Alyssa is still struggling with behaviors. However, she is trying. I can handle the bad, knowing and being able to see Alyssa working hard to make it better. She lost her desire to do the work for a little bit and it worried me.

She asked if she could blog after school today, so I am glad about that. Blogging seems to really help her make sense of her feelings.

A friend of mine is having a really hard time with her daughter. Please remember her family in your prayers.

Alcohol is a Mom's Best Friend!

I feel much better today, it is amazing what a night out with friends will do for a person. Add to that mass quantities of alcohol and the world is a much better place today!

Thanks for all your kind wishes, they really helped and gave me the boost I needed!

I Give Up!

I wish I could share good news with all of you, really I do. But, life in this household has been very stressful. Alyssa is rolling up and down and seems unable (or unwilling) to be a family kid. I must admit that I have not been a good Mom. So I am going to rant and please be kind. I love my daughter and my husband, but I have had enough!

I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. I am so done feeling like a doormat and not being respected. I am sick of the sass and disrespect that comes out of my daughter's mouth. I am sick and tired of being expected to move on as if nothing happened five minutes after Alyssa makes me feel like shit because of something she said! She can scream "I HATE YOU!" and two minutes later turn around and act like nothing happened. I can't pretend any more. Last night my daughter mocked me, and my husband did nothing. Which then led to me screaming at him, which led to him screaming at Alyssa, which led to Alyssa informing me that she knew that I didn't love her and she was ready to move. Now, I know it is her RAD rearing its ugly head, and that she is scared, but at what point is it OK to treat me like shit, make me cry, and break my heart, and not have to be accountable for it?

I do nothing but yell at her, remind her of all the BAD things she does(mind you, we never use the word bad in this house - we talk about wrong choices), and never help her! I am the worst Mom in the world and never do anything nice for her!

I am the one that spent 30 minutes in the store picking out the perfect Valentine's card. I am the one that picked out the teddy bear and movie for her gift. I am the one that made treats for her class and helped her bake a cake for Daddy. I am the one that wrapped her gift and made sure she would have a good valentine's day. What did I get? Well, Alyssa realized that no one bothered to remember me on Valentine's Day. She went in her room, ripped out a piece of notebook paper, and scribbled Happy Valentine's Day Mom on it and came out and said "I made you a card Mom!" Then, Jeff went to the store and bought Alyssa flowers like he does every year on Valentine's Day and came home with flowers for me too. He gave them to me saying "I figured you would shoot me if I came home with flowers for Alyssa and not you!"

THANK YOU DEAR FAMILY FOR THE WONDERFUL GIFTS! NOT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I don't ask for much, really I don't. Is it too much to ask to be appreciated? I don't think so!

I know Jeff is struggling with some pretty serious issues, and I'm worried about him. I am also worried about Alyssa - desperately worried. BUT I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am running on empty and if my tank doesn't get refilled, I am going to be living in a rubber room, wearing a straight jacket, with drool running down my face! I know, not a pretty picture!

What do I do to move forward? To make my family move forward? I am not perfect, far from it! But I realize that I'm screwing up - I just don't know what to do to fix it!!!

I suck!

We started this morning happy and smiling. It ended with tears and yelling. Yelling on my part and tears from Alyssa.

It began when Alyssa asked me to look at her foot, she thought she had a sliver. So, I looked at her foot, and yes, a little sliver in her heal. I get the tweezer out and touch her foot and holy bloody hell, the screaming started and you would have thought that I was amputating her foot! I lost it - completely! I grabbed her foot and yanked out the sliver, the whole while lecturing her about the excess of drama and how so many kids are suffering from real illnesses and injuries and she was screaming bloody murder over a sliver! I continued to lecture her all the way to school about how she should be counting her blessings instead of carrying on over a sliver!

Then, we got to school and I say, "Love you sweetie, have a nice day!" Alyssa looked at me like I had flipped my lid, perhaps she was right.

I suck!

P.S. When I hyperlink something on my blog, it is not showing up with a different color, even though I have a special color set in my settings. Any ideas? It is driving me nuts and at this point I don't think I need anything else pushing me over the ledge!

A Busy Mom

We have been busy preparing for Valentine's Day. Alyssa chose to make Cupid's Cups to make for her class treat. They are a little putzy, but we are having fun doing them. Even Jeff got creative with the chocolate and enjoyed making designs on the cups.

Getting Alyssa to journal has always been a challenge. I am hoping that blogging will change that. She seems to like the idea of doing a blog, so maybe this will be a great thing for her. I am not pushing her to blog, when she asks to go on her blog, I let her. She is still keeping things private, but is VERY excited to be in contact with J, another kid just like her, so she says!

We hit a rough patch with our vehicles. It seems that everything went to hell in a hand basket all at once. First, over Christmas, someone hit our truck and ran. $3,000 later, we had a $200 deductible to pay and our truck is fixed. Then, we discovered that my car doesn't like to start when it gets cold. Now folks, I live in Wisconsin, it is cold here all the time! The shop finally figured out what the problem is and it is covered under warranty, but we have to pay the $75 deductible. Then, the service engine light comes on in the truck. We took it in and it seems the water pump was leaking! So that added another $500 to the vehicle total. And, while the truck was up on the lift, it was discovered that the sidewalls of the tires are shot, so we need new tires - NOW! So far, the cheapest estimate for new tires is $1000. Where that is going to come from is yet to be seen. All of these issues on their own are no biggy. But why do they have to happen all at once??????

I have discovered that while I enjoy being a stay at home Mom, I NEED to get back to work! I like working. I know, who knew? I like the challenge of the daily grind, and believe it or not, I get more things done when I have more to do. I am hoping that I will find a job soon, but the way the economy is, I am not holding my breath. I know the perfect job is out there and I'll find it!

So, lastly, Happy Valentine's Day ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

Lisa taught Alyssa how to do the hearts - THANK'S LISA, LOVE IT! ♥

One last thing. Alyssa said I should tell everyone that if you would like to be able to read her blog, send your email address and why you would like to read her blog and she will consider adding you!

Alyssa has a Blog!

Alyssa has been inspired to blog! She is at The Secret Life of Me. Her blog is set to private, so if you would like to follow her story, please comment and we will see if Alyssa will add you. So far she said she just wants to talk to kids, but we will see. I think J's courage really inspired her.

Just a note of caution: Alyssa has final say over who gets to read her blog, so don't be hurt if she says no. She may go public later, but for now, she feels better being private.

I am Alive!

I am back to the world of blogging!

I have no excuse other than to say that being unemployed has thrown me for a loop. I have started so many projects and finished none! I think that I am finally starting to get back in the groove!

Now for an update on Alyssa. We had a rough holiday. Alyssa is really struggling with her feelings for her birth family. We decided to let her send a letter to her Aunt. Alyssa wrote a letter telling her that she missed them and she included some pictures. Well, they never responded, so then Alyssa was really hurt that they didn't care. My heart ached for her as I sat here and suffered the fallout of that letter.

We have spent the majority of our therapy time trying to help Alyssa deal with her feelings. I am happy to say that she seems to be back on the right track. She is smiling again and has the twinkle back in her eyes! I was very concerned that she was going to get stuck in the past and not be able to move forward. But my little girl is strong, and she is going to be OK!

I'm sorry that I haven't been around. I have thought of you all daily and remembered you in my prayers. I promise that I will get back to my regular blogging. I still have a couple of projects to finish and the majority of my time is spent job hunting, but I promise to post on a regular basis!